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So, who knew this LiveJournal thing could actually be helpful? Iapos;m not generally a fan of writing, but I�have a lot on my mind,�and Iapos;m not sure if anyone would understand. This seems like the safest bet, because anything�I write down on paper could totally be found and used against me. (Yes, Iapos;m paranoid).

Okay, so Sabs and I throw this awesome party the other night, right? And itapos;s same old, same old deal, Suz gets drunk, flirts around, etc.

But then, I started making out with Alan Gray�of all people (or he started first. Iapos;m not too clear on that detail).

So, we went outside and we had this chat (and made out some more). He told me that he really cares about me. Like, honestly cares.

And Iapos;m totally not deluded enough to think that some random guy that I never spoke to before in my life until we were both wasted is in love with me.

But ... He just seemed so sweet�and nice.�Iapos;ll ... Kind of be upset if he really doesnapos;t care. I donapos;t even know how much of that night he remembers. I havenapos;t been talking to him since, so ... Itapos;s possible that the whole thing is forgotten to him.

At any rate, it shows me for sure that all the guys I have had for a night in the past are complete assholes, because nice guys donapos;t just do that.

But then again, Alan and I made out too, so .. Where does that leave him? But ... Thereapos;s something about him thatapos;s�different.

I just�donapos;t know why.
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Take the sum of your experiences Observe the time it took to accumulate what you are trying to actuate. Think of the breadth of knowledge you have access to because you have seen and experienced what you did. Appreciate the amount you have aggregated in the time you have been here.

Now take the sum of what is concerning you right now. This is a set of experiences much smaller than the entirety of what you just reflected on, and as it should be. Some of your experiences will have been resolved. Some may have been forgotten. But the lingering influences I guarantee will seem over whelming. It would be hard to decide how to prioritize your experiential landscape. What came first and what comes first? What can you count, and what counts? But given the total of your life, the risks you have undertaken and the struggles you endured, you should realize that your sum is much greater than the current set of concerns you have hovering above you at any given time in your life.

Your pain is not necessarily important. You successes are minuscule. Both pain and success are irrelevant in the light of everything you have seen, done, and not done. So what matters then? What do you do without confines of a merely current context to give you perspective on what you are? I think the result is a fearless perspective. An outlook that doesnapos;t take into account short term discomfort in realizing an aspiration that may have seemed out of reach prior to speculation.

Maybe.


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